Move on
by The Writers Notebook
Summary: Shortly after Wendy died, Stan found out Kyle was a girl and she left. Now she's back, and, both grieving, they turn to each other for help. Because she's still Kyle, and he's still Stan, and they have to move on. [Style, Genderbending in here]


**Move On**

**(–,-)**

Everyone thought it was a bad idea to keep the baby, but Wendy and I had no doubts. It didn't matter that we where only eighteen and that we had yet to finish high-school, this was our baby and we loved it even before it was born.

The day we found out she was pregnant was the best day of my life, and I think that went the same for her. We where both so undeniably happy, we where as ready as we would ever be. Sure, if she hadn't already been pregnant we would have waited for a few more years, but that didn't matter at all because she was, and we where happy.

Three months after our son was born, we called him Andy, after my father Randy, Wendy went to Bebe's birthday party. At the end, Wendy was pretty drunk, but she insisted she wasn't and drove home anyway. At a U-turn, she crashed into a three. The doctors said she must've died instantly.

It's fourteen years later now, and up to today, I still don't regret falling in love with Wendy. But I do have a lot of regrets. Bebe had called me and asked me to come pick Wendy up, but I'd refused, claiming Wendy was a big girl and that I really couldn't leave from work.

I'd gladly lost my job if that could've saved Wendy.

After Wendy died, I didn't know what to do. I didn't exactly know how to be a father anymore. With Wendy around, everything had seemed so easy, but now I was on my own.

Shortly after Wendy died, there was another shock I had to go trough: I found out Kyle had been a girl all this time.

It made sense in some way. When we where younger, we used to always have sleepovers, that stopped when we turned twelve, and then he... she also started hiding himself more. I guess she finally couldn't take it anymore, because two weeks after Wendy's dead she sat down with me and told me.

I guess I was kind of harsh for her. This was Kyle after all, she was my super-best-friend no matter what. But I was still grieving, I think I still am, so instead of being accepting about it, I put up a huge scene and told her to 'get the fuck away from me'. She did.

She left trough the door and never came back, I heard from Ike later that she had left town without warning. That's another one of my regrets.

Shortly after that, Kenny and Cartman also left, Kenny for college, and Cartman without telling anyone why. I ended up alone, but my parents dragged me trough it, and when he was old enough, I guess Andy took over their job. I once told him that he shouldn't bother: I'm his father and I should be taking care of him, and I try. I don't drink and I put on my best face.

But there are still nights where I come home from work and where he has cooked and cleaned the house. I never asked him to do so, but he says he doesn't mind helping out. In many ways, he's a better son then I've ever been for my parents.

Sometimes I still wake up to find that I've been crying. That's also how Andy found out that things aren't as well as he believed them to be when he was younger. One night, when I thought he wasn't there, I was lying in my bed, staring at the ceiling and just silently letting the tears slip. That's when he walked in on me.

We had a long talk then. Not really about anything important, but it still helped.

It's the beginning of a new school year for Andy, it's morning and the both of us are franticly running around the apartment. Andy is looking for his books and I'm looking for my car keys while also trying to help him. "Biology, you got that today?" I ask, holding up a book.

"No." He says with a frown, taking the book anyway and putting in on a pile of 'no' books. "I found your keys." He throws them in my direction and I catch them.

"Thanks. Math?" I ask.

"Yeah." he says while I hand the book to him. Finally, he zips his backpack close and turns towards me. "That's everything."

"All right, I'll drive you to school."

"You don't have to." he tells me. "I can always drive with Jason, you know."

Jason is his best friend since kindergarten, they literally share everything except girls. I'm glad Andy has a friend like that, I just hope he won't screw it up like I did with Kyle.

"I want to." I tell him firmly.

(-,-)

Andy goes to the same high school I went to, but then again, it's the only High school in South Park. He gets out of the car and flashes me a grin before meeting up with Jason and his other friends at the gate. I wave the five of them off, and they wave back before walking towards the school.

I know he'll be fine, he always is. But yet, I worry. Sometimes I feel like everything is going to well with him, as if he's hiding something. I also know it's ridiculous, but I'm his father: It's my job to worry.

Since I work until 6 o'clock every Monday, I can't be there to pick Andy up. But I know it's okay, he probably doesn't go straight home after school anyway. He once told me that he hangs out at Starks Pond most of the time. When he said that I replied with a smile that I always went there, too.

When I come home, there's already food on the table, I cross my arms and say that we could've just ordered Pizza, and that he should hang with his friends more, to which he replies:

"Jason was here."

I sigh, knowing I'm not gonna be able to change his ways, and just sit down and eat.

"So, got a nice Mentor this year?" I asked after a moment of silence.

"Yeah, Mrs. Brofolovski is nice, she acted a little weird when she heard my name, though." Andy tells me, and I frown. Brofolovski? As in Kyle? That would be kind of weird, seeing as she left, but then again: we aren't in contact anymore, and I don't see Ike anymore either.

I don't go out enough, so she could've been back for years without me knowing.

But that's silly, there are enough Brofolovski's out there.

Right?

(-,-)

It's Friday night, and Kenny got me to come to a party with him. Kenny's been back for a few years, and contacted me as soon as he returned. We avoid talking about the past, but still talk from time to time none-the-less.

When I told Andy I was going to an 'old people party' as I put it (he didn't have to know what kind of party's Kenny usually went to) he'd just smiled and told me I had to go and have fun. I'd given him money to order Pizza and that was that.

Kenny and I take his car to Craig's house. Kenny actually did something with his life, unlike his family. After college, he started working at Hells-Pass hospital. When I asked him why, he told me he doesn't want people to suffer, so he wants to help them. I think the job fits Kenny. He's the kind of person to say that.

Craig's house looks as if it's empty, but as soon as we get inside I know the opposite is true. Okay, maybe I overreacted when I thought about Kenny's kind of Party's, clearly, I don't know him that well anymore.

The inside of the house is kind of nice. I'd even like to live here if I could. I know soon, though, that this isn't a get drunk and get laid party, luckily. It really is an adult party. In the living room, people

are sitting around the table.

I recognize Cartman first, mainly because only he could be this fat. When he sees me he lets out a grin, and turns to someone I don't recognize. It's a woman, she has long, red, curly hair and freckles. She's wearing a short blue dress and when she looks at me her eyes narrow.

It's Kyle. I'd recognize those green eyes everywhere.

I frown and turn around, hurrying into the kitchen where Graig said the drinks would be. Luckily, there is more then just alcohol, I grab a coke and lean against the counter, drinking it as slowly as I can to avoid going into the living room again.

I know it's stupid, I can't run away from her forever, and it's kind of my fault we had a falling out, but I know I can't talk to her, not anymore.

"'Sup dude?" Cartman suddenly says. I didn't even notice him come into the kitchen, but now he's leaning against the counter next to me.

"Meh. Not much, how's the life of Eric Cartman?" I ask him.

"Ah made ten-billion dollars bro, I'm happy as I'll ever be." he grins. I roll my eyes at him, of course he did.

"So, how long's it been?" He asks. "Ten years?"

"Thirteen, actually." I say. "Fourteen if you count the time where we only said 'Hi.' once in a while."

"Too damn long, that's for sure." Cartman says with a frown. "Sorry I didn't call, Kyle told me not to."

"Oh, so it's my fault, fat-ass?" As soon as I hear that voice, my palms turn sweaty. It hasn't really changed, though the boyish undertone in it is gone. Maybe it wasn't ever there at all.

I turn towards the door, and sure enough, there is Kyle. She looks angry, her arms crossed. She isn't looking at me, she's avoiding doing just that, instead, she's looking at Cartman.

"Well, Jew. Deny it all you like but you did forbid me to call him." Cartman says.

So they still had contact? How nice.

"God damn it, Cartman. I didn't forbid you, that's what you thought!" Finally, her eyes shift to me. "Marsh."

I say nothing. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say. One part of me wants to hug her and tell her I missed her, but the other part wants to run away from that angry, though it's softening now, gaze.

I feel Cartman poke me, and finally open my mouth. "Brofolovski."

(-,-)

By the time I realize Kenny already left, it's to late to catch a bus. I don't have any money with me, so calling a cab isn't an option. Instead, I announce my departure and decide I'll just walk home. It'll take me about an hour from here, but I don't really have another choice.

After about fifteen minutes of walking, a car starts driving next to me and the window rolls down. "Hey, why are you walking?" It's Kyle, is she following me or something? I groan.

"Kenny thought it was a good idea to leave without me, I came with his car." I tell her.

"Well, where do you live?" she asks.

"Not far from here." I lie.

But this is Kyle, even after all those years, she still reads me like a book. She looks at me sceptically. "Get in the car, Stan." She stops the car.

I sigh, and get in the passenger seat.

I give her the directions to my house, and she nods, after which we drive in silence. After about two minutes, however, I can't really take it anymore.

"So, how long have you been back?" I ask.

"A few months." She admits. "I thought about calling you... but I didn't think that was such a good idea."

"God damn it." I say. "Look, we shouldn't try to be friends again. It's weird. I'm sorry for what I said, I didn't mean it, but we still shouldn't be friends anymore."

She looks away, and I can see her shoulders shaking. I know she's crying, and I know I'm being an asshole, but somehow, I'm angry. She could've guessed I didn't mean it. She didn't have to leave when I needed her.

"I'm sorry." She says after five more minutes. "I'm an emotional dick."

"You can't be a dick." I argue. "You're a girl."

"Is that really a problem?"

"No, that's not the problem." I say.

"Then what is?"

"You weren't there. You where off somewhere, probably partying it up while I was here stressing out and trying to raise a child!"

"I WASN'T PARTYING IT UP!" She yells, and then she calms down. I probably hit a nerve I should have avoided hitting. "I wasn't."

We're silent again, for a little while.

"Then what happened?" I ask. "Why did you leave?"

"You think you're the only one that needed your super-best friend, but I needed you too, I..." She shakes her head. "I was pregnant, Stan. I was fucking pregnant from Cartman's god damn child."

I almost choke, and end up having a coughing fit.

Finally, after that coughing fit is over, I look at her. "What the hell happened?"

"A month before Andy was born, Cartman and I had a one night stand. He'd already known I was a girl for a little while, or... a long while actually, but he'd agreed to keep it silent until I was ready too tell you and Kenny myself." She's silent for a few seconds.

"A week before Wendy died, I found out I was pregnant. I'm not sure if I was happy or not, all I knew was that I needed you. I needed to talk to you, but I couldn't because you where still so convinced I was a boy, and then Wendy died."

Kyle sighs, and then looks at me out of the corner of her eye. "I waited, Stan. I didn't want to hurt you by telling you JUST after you lost your wife. But then I realized I was starting to show. I had to tell Cartman, and you, and everyone now, or you guys would find out on your own. So I came to you and told you I was a girl... you freaked out, so I didn't have to gut to tell you that I was pregnant anymore."

"Why did you leave?"

"Cartman was trying to force me into an abortion, I didn't want that." she explains. "I was going to tell you... but everything changed, I changed. Before I knew it I was driving out of South Park as fast as I could."

"God damn it. I'm so sorry." I tell her.

"It's okay."

"No, It's not, I'm a selfish asshole."

"No. You're grieving, I can tell by the look in your eyes that you still are." Kyle looks at me. "I know how hard it is."

Suddenly, I realize something. "Kyle, what happened to your child? Is he... or she here too?" She's silent, and I know that's not a good sign. "Kyle?"

"She's dead."

"Oh... want to tell me what happened?"

For some reason, in this little talk, I've opened up to her again. Though calling it a little talk is a big understatement.

"Cartman and I kept having conversations, mostly over the phone. When Lilly was three years old, he first came to visit us. I think he fell in love with her instantly, in the father-daughter way. One day, the three of us where going to Disneyland, two years ago, to be exact..."She stops, an then... "I can't talk about this Stan." She shakes her head. "Not while I'm driving, I'm afraid I'll start sobbing and get us into a car crash."

"Then stop the car."

She does as I ask. "Allright... so... everything went well, we had a nice day... on the way home, we stopped at a store to get some food... and then a man came in. He had a gun." As she predicted, she starts sobbing, and I awkwardly pat her back. "He grabbed her, Stan. He fucking grabbed her by the hair! He demanded the shopkeepers money, and when he didn't give it, he just shot her!"

"I'm so sorry." I say. "I'm so fucking sorry."

After what feels like hours, she stops crying, and looks at me.

"Cartman... I think he's still hurt, too. But he tries to keep up this facade of not caring. He didn't even cry at the funeral."

"I'm sorry." I say again.

"It's not your fault."

"I'm still sorry."

After that, she drives me home. We don't say anything else, we don't even say goodbye, or see you later for that matter. When I come home, It's only ten o'clock. I get into the apartment and find Andy watching some stupid Anime which he doesn't even like.

"How'd it go?" He asks without looking at me, and I sit down next to him.

"I saw some old friends. It was nice, how was your night?"

He tells me how Jackson came over, and they watched a movie and ate Pizza.

(-,-)

The next morning when Andy and I are having breakfast, the door bell rings. I frown, because Saturday is always a day where neither Andy or I go out of the house, we usually watch a movie and sometimes he even gets me to play video-games with him.

When I open the door I'm surprised to see Kyle, she's dressed more casually today. An orange sweater and green pants. She reminds me so god damn much of the last time I saw her before she left that it hurts. Only now I know she's a girl, and then I had yet to find out. I found out then, to be exact.

"Stan..." She says, and she almost sounds desperate.

"Kyle?" I ask. "What's wrong?"

"I..." She shakes her head. "I don't know."

I sigh, and grab my jacket. "Andy, I'm out for a little bit, If I'm not back in an hour then please call me!"

"Sure!" He yells back, and that's about the point where I close the door behind me. We get out of the apartment building and start walking down the street. My hands are in my pockets and we're both quiet, but we don't need to say anything.

I feel like I can feel her sadness, so finally, I do say something: "I want to try to be friends again." I admit. "But I know this isn't just something where we can go on where we left off."

"Maybe that's a good thing." She whispers. "Too much happened to just go on as if that all didn't happen."

"It probably wouldn't have happened if I'd calmed down, though."

"A lot of it still would've."

"I should have been there to help you trough it." I state.

"I wasn't there for you either." She helplessly says. "I guess we both screwed up."

"But we had a right to. You found out you where pregnant while nobody even knew you where a girl and I... lost Wendy."

I don't want to say it, but now, when I say it out loud, I feel like I'm reliving it all again. The police when I open the front door, identifying the body... god damn it, I'm crying.

"You haven't moved on." Kyle states. I can't help but laugh, but there isn't any happiness in it.

"God damn it." I state. "God fucking damn it."

"I haven't really moved on either, you know. So I guess that maybe... we could help each other?" she asks, and I find myself smiling.

"I'd like that."

(-,-)

It's Sunday, two weeks later, when Andy almost gives me a heart attack by strolling into the living room with Kyle behind him. I was under the impression he was at Starks Pond with Jason, but I'm not about to say so.

"Look dad, I ran into my mentor." He says. "She claims she was on her way here."

"Uh... Hi Stan." Kyle says, giving me a small wave.

"Hi, Kyle." I say, before turning to Andy. "I thought you where hanging out with Jason?"

"He texted me on my way there, his parents are forcing him into going to his grandparents with them." Andy says bitterly.

"You could always come with us?" Kyle offers. She and I are going to visit Wendy's grave... I don't think it's a good idea for Andy to tag along, but then again, he's never been there.

"Where are you guys going?" Andy asks, mostly me.

"We uh... we're visiting your mother." I choke out.

"Huh?" Andy asks.

"Her grave." I say, more specifically.

He frowns. "I'll come." He says.

It's a warm day, one you don't often have in South Park, not even in the summer. Kyle's hair is up in a bun, and she's wearing a top and shorts with flip-flops. I, however, am dressed for colder weather, so after a while I take off my sweater, I'm wearing a white shirt beneath it.

We walk over the graveyard, all three of us quiet. I'm not sure why Kyle wanted me to come here so badly, she claimed I had to go because It's part of moving on, but I've been here so much after everything went down. It didn't help.

When we reach the grave, Andy takes off his hat and kneels down. On our way here, he bought a flower. I don't know how, but I think he knew roses where Wendy's favorites. Maybe he found letters, or pictures...

He always wears my old hat, in fact, he looks a whole bunch like me when I was younger. But I've changed, so you can barely tell. I think I look a lot older then I really am.

Strangely enough, I feel a lot lighter after seeing the way Andy acted around his mothers grave. Now that he's been there too, and not just as a baby, it feels a lot more real. Maybe that's what I needed all this time. Not that I'm not still sad, but I feel a little better, thank you Kyle, you where right like you always are.

After visiting Wendy, we go to a terrace. We all drink coke and I actually have fun. I think Kyle is having fun too, and I have no doubt that, besides the strangeness of the situation, Andy has lots of fun. He's showing Kyle how to make an apple balance on your nose. Of course he doesn't know that Kyle is the one who told me how to do so in the first place. I only told Andy later.

At the end of the day, we go back to the apartment, and while Andy hurries inside to play video-games (I swear, he's addicted) Kyle and I stand by the door awkwardly. Finally, I ask.

"So.. where's your daughters grave?" I ask.

"New-orleans. Meaning: Far away." She tells me. "But I've already gone there enough, I've closed up that part."

"You really think so?"

"God damn it, I don't know..." She admits. "But I can't just go away again now, I have a job here, and so does Cartman and... I don't think I can bring it up to go alone."

"It's okay." I say. "You don't HAVE to."

She smiles. "Maybe it's strange to say, but I had fun."

"It's not strange, I had fun, too." I admit.

"Wendy would be happy, knowing you could go to her grave and have fun on the same day." Kyle assures me.

"I know."

"She wouldn't want you to be sad forever."

"I know."

Finally, she leans forward and kisses my cheek. "I fucking love you, Stan. And it's stupid because you're grieving over the woman YOU love... but I've always loved you, I've never stopped."

And then she turns around and walks away, leaving me confused and scared, because I know she doesn't mean this as just friendship.

(-,-)

At Wednesday, I still haven't heard anything from Kyle, but seeing as I'm a stupid asshole, I don't call her. However, when I get home in the evening and walk into the kitchen, Andy is talking to Kyle, sitting at the kitchen table while she it cooking.

"Uh..." I say, instead of my usual 'I'm home'.

"I called him." Kyle admits. "I'm a softie."

I grin. "Nah. You're a Jew."

"You sound like Cartman." she smiles.

"Meant to do that." I mock. I don't know why, but even now, I don't feel awkward at all.

She turns out to be a surprisingly good cook. After dinner, we do the dishes together and then she announces her departure. Andy seems sad that she's leaving, he's very fond of her. At the door, we just stand there awkwardly before I blurt out:

"Thank you. For coming over."

"That's okay. I had fun." she assures me.

"Good. Me too." I say. I don't know what urges me to do it, but suddenly, I find myself asking: "Hey, would you like to go out on a real date sometime?"

Damn it, what am I doing? This is Kyle! The girl I hang out with, who was my best friend! The _boy _I hang out with, who was my best friend!

But yet, I find myself smiling when she stutters out an: "Uh... s..sure!"

"Okay, how about Friday?" I ask.

"Sound good, I'll come here?" she asks.

"I'll make sure Andy isn't here." I say with a grin.

(-,-)

The following day, I find myself not having to work unexpectedly. Apparently, I still had to much off-days open. So I call Kenny and hang out with him at his place. He works night shifts most of the time. He makes Butters come to his house, too. It's good to see him again, he hasn't changed that much.

And he's gay.

And Kenny's gay.

I guess you can figure out everything else. I'm happy for them, really. They deserve to be happy, and they seem to make each other happy, so yeah.

At the end of the day, Kyle calls me and asks me to change plans. She can't go out on Friday, because Cartman is forcing her to go talk to her parents and Ike, which I think is good. I didn't know she stopped having contact with them

So we agree to meet on Saturday.

(-,-)

Friday comes and goes, and on Satuday I find myself being fucking nervous. I don't know why: Andy is having a sleepover at Jacksons house, and I'm cooking dinner. It should be all right. But this is Kyle we're talking about, and well... We used to be best friends. It's weird.

At six o'clock exactly, the doorbell rings. I open the door and see a smiling Kyle. She's dressed nicely, but casual. Luckily, because I'm not really wearing anything special either. Her long curly hair falls down her shoulders nicely, and her green eyes are sparkling.

And because it's Kyle, all my nervous feeling instantly vanish.

"How did yesterday go?" I ask her.

"Good, Cartman was right. I needed to see my family."

"What did they say?" I asked.

"They didn't even know I'd been a mother... they where sorry for me. My mother cried a lot, I cried a lot. But I was still happy to see them." Kyle tells my as she takes off her coat and hangs it up.

"That's good, I think you need them."

"I know I need them." She admits.

We eat in silence, but it's a good kind of silence. The kind of silence you get when you're comfortable. I'm comfortable because when I opened the door, I realized it's just Kyle here. Kyle, who's always been my best friend, despite her gender.

After dinner, we do the dishes together and then we watch a stupid comedy that neither of us really likes. I have fun anyway.

"Do you still love her?" Kyle asks at some point during a commercial.

"Yes." I say. "I think I always will. But I also know it's time to move on." Silence. "Do you love Cartman?"

"Yes." Kyle admits. "But it's not the being in love kind of love. I've never been in love with him, we where both... well... sexually frustrated and it just happened." She shrugs. "He's still the father of my child, he'll always be that, and that creates a certain kind of love you can't escape, even if he's an ass."

I grin. "Because he's an ass." I agree. "He really is."

"Yeah."

"You said you loved me." I suddenly say, I'm not sure why, but I just need to know if it's true.

"I did." She says, looking away.

"In the normal way, or in the being in love kind of way?" I ask.

"I think... maybe... both." she admits.

I look at her, but she isn't looking at me.

"Do you mind if I try something?" I ask.

"Go ahead." She whispers.

So I lean forward, cup her face and press my lips to hers. It's brief, and I almost immediately let go. But she leans forward again.

This kiss is different, it's not just trying out, our lips move against each other like it's the most normal thing in the world. Finally, I push her back against the couch, it feels weird, because it's Kyle.

But it's okay. It's all okay. BECAUSE it's Kyle.

(-,-)

The next morning, we wake up in my bed, we're spooning. It feels weird, and yet it feels exactly right. I'm keeping her in place with my arms, and for a while, I do nothing but stare at her sleeping form. She's beautiful, I could get used to waking up next to her.

It's now, in this small moment, that I realize that I love her.

I love her.

I'm in love with her.

I'm in love with Kyle.

God damn it.

I'm in love with her, and she's already told me she's in love with me, too.

I don't know how long I keep thinking this, but the first thing I'm aware of again is that her green eyes are opened, and she's staring at me. "Good morning." She murmurs.

"I love you." I say.

Her eyes widen, but then she smiles and kisses me.

(-,-)

I guess this is life. People come and go, but once you love someone you never stop. I know that now. I learned it with Wendy, and now I've learned it with Kyle. The important part is that we have to move on. At some point, we have to let go of the past and look towards the future.

I'm not saying I'm fine, I'm not even saying I'm okay. But I've been worse.


End file.
